Friday, June 12, 2015

Maternity leave coming to an end.

Only 2 more weeks of spending every waking moment with my sweetheart. I am going to be soaking in each and every second before going back to work.

I feel very fortunate to have had 12 weeks home with my girl. In those weeks I've healed from giving birth, gave my best at breast feeding, learned how to be a Mom and really learned what's most important in life. Although my career has always been a priority to me, nothing will surpass the love for my daughter and my family.  The sacrifices we make to create these beautiful little children are insurmountable. 

It is a constant mental and emotional battle accepting the fact that I can't be a stay at home Mom right now, but I have to do what's best for my family.  I've had moments where I let guilt and sadness take away from the happy little face in front of me. I'm thankful for my Husband, friends and family for pulling me out of those hard times. 

What if I'm making the wrong decision? What if I miss her taking her first steps?  What if this effects our bond?  Will this hurt my career? I don't believe the doubt and fear will ever completely go away.  The guilt and worry have been the hardest part of being a Momma. 

There are so many judgments and unwarranted opinions as a Mother. It takes confidence and faith within your self that you'll do anything to make your baby happy and to realize that you are in fact doing the best you can. Through the smiles, tears and many little milestones, I know that Ava Marie and I are just lucky to have each other. And that's enough!  I am a Mother and I was built to do this.

I know that my daughter will one day be proud of my example because I promise to make our moments extra special together while I'm not away. We have such excitement waking up to each other each morning - I can't imagine when I pick her up after work each day! 

Maybe my daughter will read this one day. As a young woman, hopefully she won't need an explanation for why I had to go back to work. She may be in the same boat as I am when she becomes a Mother. I just know that I'll support her no matter what. I want her to know that part of my purpose in life is to make her a loving, happy, healthy, faithful, and brave little girl. I promise to forever give my all to you. 

I'll never forget our journey together during her first 12 weeks.  The days where you cried for hours and made Mommy cry with feelings of helplessness. The first time you smiled at me and made me feel whole. The late night feedings where your big blue eyes gazed into mine. Our many shopping trips where Mommy dressed you up and proudly walked as strangers told me how perfect you were.  Our trips to church where you would fall asleep and literally look like an angel in my arms. I spend many nights lying in bed while you're sound asleep replaying the day you were born in my head.  I'll never forget the moment the nurse wheeled us out of labor and delivery. I held you in my arms while everyone congratulated us as we strolled through to go to our room. It was the absolute proudest moment of my life.  My heart was huge.  All of the pain and discomfort meant nothing. You would forever be my baby girl. I am just so unbelievably grateful for the gift I've been given. You are my miracle from God. And this feeling, is way bigger than the fears of being a working Mother will ever be.  I love you Ava Marie.

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